Her voice was so gentle, I could hear her love coming through.
"Can you surrender?" she asked me.
My insides cringed as a haunting memory came up. But I'll come back to that...
Sitting in my women's circle, I was just winding down an angry, flailing rant about feeling overwhelmed and stuck in old, familiar patterns around overwork and an overactive mind.
Overwhelm overwork overactive.
Lots of "over-ing" going on. I was exhausted. And mad at myself for being here again.
...rigid, controlling, tight, far away from myself.
Surrounded by barbed wire.
Which is a really difficult predicament when what I needed most was soothing touch, gentle words, and inside-out softening.
Resting into the belly of the Mother.
If you've ever tried to meet barbed wire with soft, gentle love, you know it's a risk. And not easy.
And yet, she did. They all did.
But I didn't soften just yet. Instead, I cringed, haunted by an image of the violence from back then. The very thing that makes it hard for me to surrender now.
A-ha! Yes! Even though I've seen this a million times, this was a valuable insight, breaking the spell.
Just because it wasn't safe to surrender back then doesn't mean it isn't safe now. In fact, surrounded by women who love me, who've been to hell and back with me, and who provide a soft landing for me time and again, this is the BEST place.
And then, I DID soften. Not all the way, but enough. Enough to find my way into the beginning of the surrender she invited me into.
Enough to feel my heart again. And enough to feel better. Relieved. Spacious. Open.
I love my women. When they meet my jagged edges with gentleness---love, compassion, and kindness---I transform. I heal. And I'm capable of meeting Life from the very best of me.
Thanks to every woman who's ever sat in a circle of women. Thank you. I love you.
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