"Do I really need that much emotional connection?" she asked herself after her new boyfriend told her he just wasn't into sharing his feelings that much.
"We're just really different and that makes it interesting." she told herself when she realized they had nothing in common.
Maybe I am being unreasonable." she thought after he balked at her setting a boundary.
This is what the early stages of losing ourselves in a relationship look like.
There's a mismatch on the outside. Either a need isn't getting met, there's just not much chemistry there, or something fundamental about who you are or the way you do relationship doesn't jive with them. Something doesn't feel right.
Which doesn't necessarily mean it's over. Sometimes things don't feel right because they aren't. But sometimes things don't feel right because they just need to be addressed, looked at, talked through, or supported.
And yes, working through this stuff is a natural part of relationship. It's part of how people get closer to one another and find out whether the relationship actually works.
The problem arises when instead of standing in your truth (your request, your boundary, your needs), you question yourself simply because he's different than you are.
(Or disagrees, or sees things differently, or gets annoyed, or wants something else, or sets his own opposing boundary).
So often, you do this internal questioning of yourself without even noticing that you're giving your power away. You question your truth because you're so quick to consider that you're too much---your needs, desires, boundaries are just somehow too much.
And maybe you think you'll feel more connected if you just stop being so...how you are. And maybe it's you who's ruining the connection with your needs and desires and discussions and boundaries?
Oh lord, how I've been there! These toxic thoughts have tromped around my brain a time or two. Let me clear this up quickly.
This sort of internal questioning only leads to you losing connection with yourself. This is self-abandonment in action. You being connected to the whole of you is the basis for connection with anyone else. Because if you consistently have to deny yourself---letting your boundary be violated, dealing with being misunderstood or unheard, or coping with too many needs not being met---or other various ways your intuition is talking to you telling you something is off, it makes it really difficult to feel fulfilled in your relationship.
You can't feel fulfilled in a relationship in which you can't be yourself.
So how to not lose yourself in the relationship?
It's uncomfortable, but let yourself have an unpopular need. Set that boundary even though you're afraid to. Make the request you're convinced he'll deny.
You realize what I'm saying to you here, right? I'm saying to be yourself. You literally don't have any other choice.
We ALL have girlfriends who'd be supported by this reminder to be a little more courageously themselves. Pick one and use the share button below to send it on.
Love and courage,