When it comes to what we want in a relationship, there's a pretty significant problem with the way most people think about what they want. Have you ever fantasized about your ideal partner? Maybe made a list of all of their best qualities? Or even created a vision board about them?
Or maybe you're in a relationship already and you wish he listened better, was more affectionate, or more developed.
When I speak with people about what they want in a relationship, it usually goes something like this:
"I want him to be spiritual and have done a lot of work on himself."
"I want her to be sexy and playful."
"I'd love him to be powerful and make good money."
"I want him to be able to hold and love all of me."
"I'd really love to feel like we're a team so we can tackle life's challenges together."
We tend to focus on what we want to get out of the relationship. Which is a set up for failure and heartbreak.
Relationship is a terrible place to get something. If you show up to it expectant, evaluating whether he's who/what you want, or hoping to gain something, you've already begun on the wrong foot.
Don't approach the relationship coming from a deficit and hoping your partner can somehow make life easier on you so you don't have to feel lonely, take full care of yourself, or do it alone.
If you do, when the inevitable challenges show up, you'll be upset because he didn't understand your expectations that he was supposed to make life easier on you, or love you the way your parents didn't, or help soothe your loneliness.
That's a loooot of pressure on the relationship. It's not his job to do it right, be your ideal partner, or help soothe your wounds. He's there to be on his own journey, so...
What if relationship is a place to give something?
It takes huge generosity to come home from a long day and listen fully to your partner. Or to have patience with her when she doesn't understand you. Or to do your own personal work so you can show up to the relationship present, whole, and full.
Or to consider his point of view when you think it's childish or stupid. Or to choose to feel your love even when you're triggered.
And what if this is the gift of the relationship? That you get to feel yourself stretch and offer more love than you thought you could? That you get to grow enough to fully take care of you so you can show up to the relationship ready to give?
Or that you get to create healthy, adult relationship, where each of you takes care of yourselves without the pressures that you have to heal each other's childhood wounds.
That is truly a gift.
Shift your attention from what you can get to what you can give. Let go of all the ways you might want to keep score or expect something in return. Or the ways you hold back.
Don't wait for him to change before you're willing to offer the best you've got.
You deserve to experience yourself offering the best you'e got to give.
I invite you to practice generosity. What's one way you can give to your partner this week? Please leave me a comment and share it below so we can get this generosity flowing!
And will you share this on Facebook and spread the love?
Big, generous love to all you readers, near and far,
PS - If you liked this, don't miss future posts that'll help your relationships thrive.