Couples come to me seeking support for a lot of reasons. They're fighting a lot, one partner feels like something's missing, they're getting triggered a lot and need help working through it, they keep finding themselves down the same rabbit holes and are at the end of their rope, or they keep struggling with whether to stay together.
It's true that sometimes they need help communicating, finding their truth, understanding each other, structuring their relationship, or making agreements, but there's something even deeper than that that's at play. It's about each partner's relationship with themselves. Because that's the foundation of the relationship.
My ability to stay in intimate contact with myself is what makes intimacy with another possible. When I love myself enough to hold all of me, I don't expect you to do it for me and I can simply share what's happening for me.
When I have compassion instead of shaming myself for feeling a certain way, I'm freed up to share how I feel with you so that you can get closer to me. When I let myself want what I want, I can make effective requests. When I'm paying close attention to myself, I know what I need and can be honest about that. Or, I can even feel the freedom to say, "I don't know what I need right now. Can you help me?"
When I'm deeply connected with myself inside, my eyes are windows through which I can be seen and felt by another. When I feel spun out, I can track what happened and can tell how to take care of myself. When I'm present and at home inside myself, I can welcome someone else in and there's a warm seat available for them.
When I'm loving myself, my love for you is an extension of that overflow rather than a grasping need. When I'm close enough to myself, I feel an aliveness that either helps me get the space I need for myself, or helps me create passion and connection with you.
Your relationship with you is fundamental. So important. And it's a practice. Intimate partnership provides endless opportunities to practice cultivating self love and an intimate connection with yourself. Sometimes we need help seeing those opportunities and knowing how to work with them, but they're there.
Please leave me a comment and let me know whether you've experienced this before and how it feels to you. Oh, and be sure to share the love on social media!
Loving me and loving you,